I feel like a fraud.
My blogging and social media has given the impression that things are going well in my current role. That is mainly true but the reality is that I’ve been dealing with a serious issue at work since early 2023 that has been constantly in the background making it impossible to ever really feel comfortable.
At times I’ve been really unhappy – and often angry. It has been a constant distraction. It is a testament actually to how much I like my team and the work otherwise that I haven’t melted down and rage quit. I’d say it is a sign of personal growth but I think we all know that ship has sailed.
The fact I am not able to be open about it has made things worse – I’m simply not built for holding things in.
Anyway things have come to a head – well they did so just before I left for DC – and I find myself at a crossroads.
It seems like there is an expectation that I should just get over it and find a way to move on but I’m not a forgiving person so this is difficult for me.
Or I can resign. Find another role despite the pleasure I take from this one and just accept life is too short to walk around with a white hot ball of rage eating away at my stomach lining.
Honestly I am getting whiplash going from one decision to the other – not something I am used to as if anything I’ve tended to be a bit rash and just leave roles whenever I am unhappy.
Aaarrggghhhh – I was kind of hoping that in writing this down a decision would magically surface. It has happened before but not this time. Oh well. Maybe my subconscious will work its magic tonight.
3 responses to “Feeling fraudulent”
I hope you’re ok. I’m CDTO at MHRA and wrote to you a long time ago as I wanted to know what you searched to find all the job openings. I think I may have mentioned at the time that I’d had a miserable time at CQC (bullying, whistle-blowing etc which almost ended up at tribunal but we settled out of court). I’m not some ‘woke sniffle-servant’ (a term I’ve seen in the media lately).
I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate how very, very difficult it is not to be able to talk about something work-related. If there’s anything I can do to help or you want to have a chat/drink then please let me know. I live in Leeds but often travel to London.
Hey Matt, Sorry to hear this, it is not good for your health, physical or mental. I am one for not exactly rage quitting but definitely unhappy quitting. I am here if you want a sounding board. Sharon (pixlz)
In a way it’s good not to know the problem you are dealing with otherwise there is a tendency to try and help solve ‘it’. So how will you feel in a months time if you suck it up and how might you feel if you left ? Which of those is the most true to yourself and what you want/need?
Since I have up doing a job for a living and started doing work that I love and which feels joy giving, I can honestly say that my only regrets have been spending too long worrying about things that didn’t matter, not paying enough attention to me and consequently too long on people who took the joy out of things. I know I am in a privileged position but honestly for most of us most of the time it’s only a job and little we do leaves much of a mark – ‘unto thine own self be true’ said some writer dude or other ….